lolamarya - The Voice

Each word is an internal struggle to put on paper It used to be so easy Writing was my refuge, my relief, my savior My pens bled my soul on paper and allowed me to cope like some use razors on skin to bleed their pains Somehow instead of releasing I began to bottle everything inside Killing myself slowly with the toxins I refused to expel Holding my soul My depths My breathe Waiting To Exhale Unconsciously avoiding emotional overload Tears no longer stain my pillows at night because these eyes do not allow emotions to become tangible Everything has been buried so deep and hidden for so long I barely remember the person I used to be Writing is a reminder A glimpse into what was And what could have been Clues to who I refuse to allow myself to become Fighting God, destiny and me Because deep down this suppressed version of who I was slowly gasps for breath Holding onto life and refusing to succumb to an untimely demise Maintaining hope that my pen will once again find its way to a pad of...

Dear Melancholy, Why do you love me so much?  It seems there isn’t a single part of my life, that you have not touched I don’t want you here, yet still you linger You’ve been a constant companion For as long as I can remember....

 Once again I've figured out That old enemy is playing in my mentals And I opened the door and put on music Like "here, I heard you like instrumentals" Created a soundtrack while he works to destroy me I was blinded by an illusion Of what I wanted things to be But now I realized that I opened that old playground back up And I'm ashamed to admit it But shame is the next trick to remind me That this is the enemy's business So I take the pain and shame back to God While asking for forgiveness Once again Lord, I'm broken before you

 My desire to exist on the other side of death into life eternally is too strong But to be one who admits this truth, I'm too wrong  But my wrongs don't turn to right, so everyday I fight Because of one who needs me here The one who needs me near and for this I face my fears Still in the back of my mind I keep hearing "Death gotta be easy, because life is too hard." But pushing through to get through Even though I'm riddled with scars 12.08.2024

 Days like this, I wish I could just sit alone and cry But I have things to do, so I'll try To press through with a smile on my face Wanting to break, but this is not the place Constantly seeking refuge and still have not found That safe space 09.12.2025

What if I said the things I never say The things that come to mind when you ask for what you can pray But my mouth can’t form the words Things long forgotten, buried alive, but revealing themselves after all this time The traumas that molded me have become an invisible prison Holding me emotionally captive This version of myself, even I can’t know Walls built to protect me so fortified That even I can’t get in Meanwhile attempting to surrender all, but not fully willing to even let God in Broken pieces of who I should have been Fragilely held together by my own strength Gripping fear and pride preventing me from laying them at God’s feet This pain is all I’ve ever known And I’ve become so accustomed to masking it If I tear down the walls, who will keep me safe Every attempt has proven futile This trauma lives in my DNA Yet my head knows God can change even that But my faith, emotions and intellect have not yet aligned I’m tired of this cycle and can’t keep living wanting to die I reall...