What if I said the things I never say
The things that come to mind when you ask for what you can pray
But my mouth can’t form the words
Things long forgotten, buried alive, but revealing themselves after all this time
The traumas that molded me have become an invisible prison
Holding me emotionally captive
This version of myself, even I can’t know
Walls built to protect me so fortified
That even I can’t get in
Meanwhile attempting to surrender all, but not fully willing to even let God in
Broken pieces of who I should have been
Fragilely held together by my own strength
Gripping fear and pride preventing me from laying them at God’s feet
This pain is all I’ve ever known
And I’ve become so accustomed to masking it
If I tear down the walls, who will keep me safe
Every attempt has proven futile
This trauma lives in my DNA
Yet my head knows God can change even that
But my faith, emotions and intellect have not yet aligned
I’m tired of this cycle and can’t keep living wanting to die
I really want to surrender all
Like God, I’m for real this time
September 15, 2025
The things that come to mind when you ask for what you can pray
But my mouth can’t form the words
Things long forgotten, buried alive, but revealing themselves after all this time
The traumas that molded me have become an invisible prison
Holding me emotionally captive
This version of myself, even I can’t know
Walls built to protect me so fortified
That even I can’t get in
Meanwhile attempting to surrender all, but not fully willing to even let God in
Broken pieces of who I should have been
Fragilely held together by my own strength
Gripping fear and pride preventing me from laying them at God’s feet
This pain is all I’ve ever known
And I’ve become so accustomed to masking it
If I tear down the walls, who will keep me safe
Every attempt has proven futile
This trauma lives in my DNA
Yet my head knows God can change even that
But my faith, emotions and intellect have not yet aligned
I’m tired of this cycle and can’t keep living wanting to die
I really want to surrender all
Like God, I’m for real this time
September 15, 2025