You'll never again see tears fall down my face
I learned decades ago that you will never be a safe space
I held onto hope that change may come
Held on so long and so hard that I have become numb
And our conversations aren't conversations
Just holding a bit of space and air as long as we can consume the awkwardness of the moment
I'm not sure what you want from me....
Tears stay hidden, so I guess I'll cry inside
A little bit of me leaves me each time I neglect myself
Feels like I've died inside
A thousand deaths, but continue to resurrect
Each time stronger, no each time weaker
No each time a seeker of what brought me here in the first place
Still seeking the cause and the solution
I'm lost here
We need a resolution
06/10/2026
Anxiety lives in me like I invited it here
Took me almost to the age of 45 to realize
That my life has been driven by fear
How much more praying can I do,
In hope that things will change?
I've even tried therapy because I'm aware
That I need to rewire my brain
But I'm constantly fighting, almost instinctively
I've been bound by things that plague me
I'm just trying to be free
January 2026
I don't want to keep being this version of me
But there's the pain of change versus the pain of staying the same
And I know which one should lead
But the other refuses to die
Still hanging on
Although its hold is weakening, it is desperate for life
But its life brings me death so it has to die
Okay Change
I'm with you
But this may take a few tries
August 30, 2024
Each word is an internal struggle to put on paper
It used to be so easy
Writing was my refuge, my relief, my savior
My pens bled my soul on paper and allowed me to cope like some use razors on skin to bleed their pains
Somehow instead of releasing I began to bottle everything inside
Killing myself slowly with the toxins I refused to expel
Holding my soul
My depths
My breathe
Waiting
To Exhale
Unconsciously avoiding emotional overload
Tears no longer stain my pillows at night because these eyes do not allow emotions to become tangible
Everything has been buried so deep and hidden for so long
I barely remember the person I used to be
Writing is a reminder
A glimpse into what was
And what could have been
Clues to who I refuse to allow myself to become
Fighting God, destiny and me
Because deep down this suppressed version of who I was slowly gasps for breath
Holding onto life and refusing to succumb to an untimely demise
Maintaining hope that my pen will once again find its way to a pad of paper
And every stroke is like the beeping of a heart monitor
Growing stronger and stronger
Showing proof of life
This frail shell of who I used to be
Refusing to let go
Refusing to be suffocated by the lies she was told
By the mistakes she made
Or the snares of her enemy’s throws
She knows who she is and refuses to let her sins name her
Refused to let her misguided actions dictate her destiny
Even if this feeble housing cannot yet see
“Write on” she whispers
“Let your soul cry
Let it bleed its very DNA onto that paper and remind you of what you once knew
Let it breathe life back into your dreams and expectations
As blood spills and cleanses, let it wash away every doubt and lie told
Let your own words comfort and hold
Cradle your every emotion and bring you back to life
Your spirit, she’s gaining strength and now it’s time for you to fight.”
Dear Melancholy,
Why do you love me so much?
It seems there isn’t a single part of my life, that you have not touched
I don’t want you here, yet still you linger
You’ve been a constant companion
For as long as I can remember....
Once again I've figured out
That old enemy is playing in my mentals
And I opened the door and put on music
Like "here, I heard you like instrumentals"
Created a soundtrack while he works to destroy me
I was blinded by an illusion
Of what I wanted things to be
But now I realized that I opened that old playground back up
And I'm ashamed to admit it
But shame is the next trick to remind me
That this is the enemy's business
So I take the pain and shame back to God
While asking for forgiveness
Once again Lord, I'm broken before you