I found this in a book of poetry and have no idea how long ago this was written.
She sat by herself; feeling lonely, but secure. Secure in knowing that she could trust no one
but her own self. Well, herself and God.
But even the God factor had been questioned.
I mean, she never learned to trust those physically there, so the belief
that someone she could not see nor feel could be more trustworthy had always
been a hard thought to grasp. She knew
that her circle had much love for her. I
mean, it wasn’t the idea of love that she had a problem with. Although the issue of trust somehow misguided
the way she expressed and interpreted love.
The love of her friends and family didn’t mean that she could always
count on them. She learned that lesson
at an early age. People are fallible. This truth was obtained from those who conceived
her. Humanly good intentions can still
yield undesired results. No matter how good the heart of a person, they can
still hurt you. She knew this well. So even in her loving, she rarely let her guard
down. There were times when she did and
regretted it, so she kept that in her mental records.
She never let any man get the best of her. I mean, her friends thought she was just
joking when she said she’d never been in love, but she wasn’t. She never freely gave her heart because all
of the men she had been involved with were, in her mind, unworthy of it. She could never take relationships too
seriously because she had a certain level of expectation of a man who would be
worth spending her life with, and none of them had met that criteria. It wasn’t that she was unreasonable in her
expectations of a man. She had simply been
raised to believe a certain way, and she had yet to come across someone who
could compliment her as equally as she would him. Although her desire for affection had caused
her to violate her own boundaries a few times, she never let them get the best
of her; always remaining in control and ending things on her own account. At least she liked to think that none of them
had affected her. But the truth was that,
with each encounter something was taken from her soul and deposited from that
man just the same. She just was unwilling
to admit, even to herself, that these men had changed her perception on love,
life, relationships and left her with issues that needed to be addressed.