feelings

I feel like I have so much to look forward to, yet at the same time, I feel stuck for now.  

Why do I continually find myself in this pattern?

Seemingly I have, but I need more; so much more.

I woke up singing this song today....

This makes me want to go to a church that has no agenda, no schedule, isn't concerned about being a production and just go worship.

Ready

Yes I will continually and cryptically say that I am SO ready for the next phase until it is time for me to actually walk in it.  I am more excited the more that I see is waiting for me.  I am ready to walk into a land full of opportunities and I really feel as though God is moving me into the place that he has already blessed and prepared for me.
And although not everything is ideal, I am looking at the silver lining and looking at the promises of God which means that no matter what the circumstances may look like, HE has the last say and I will trust in that.
Boy, oh boy it is funny to me that I feel I am being led to a specific place for a specific reason.  I guess I am about to enter into a season of going into places I never wanted to be, but if I want to be in God's will, I have to go where He is leading me...
More to come as it unfolds.....

Stranger things have been seen than times like this. Realistically through transition my position is still fixed. Focused and determined because I see the prize. So that's my goal and the only thing I see in my eyes.

I wonder...

I wonder if he thinks about me from time to time. Lord knows he frequently crosses my mind.  I miss him... I shouldn't, but I do. What should have never been was, and I still wonder what more could have been.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Exhale

I am so all over the place mentally, spiritually, emotionally.... The
fact that my name is attached to my blogs makes me hold back what I
really need to vent sometimes.... Sometimes.
This
would be one of them. I'm confused, but because [I hear India.Arie's
voice singing] my head and my heart are at war. But I know better, so
it's my spirit and my flesh that are truly battling it out. They are at
war over my soul and I am in a place where I have conflicting desires.
Because one route would be so much easier.... at least that what my
flesh feels. Because some things are fun and less painful, but this
journey to my destiny has actually wounded me. But maybe I'm wounded
because I am alive. Because I have had to fight just to stay alive and
not be pulled under by the current and tidal waves of all the hell and
drama that has been my life. These unseen things to the rest of the
world; the battle mentally and spiritually I can never fully express.
I'm supposed to be the responsible one; the one people turn to for
advice and wisdom. So why can I give it, but barely receive. I am weak.
I need....... I need...... so much. And yet I do not get even half of
what I give. I am exhausted and yet destiny will not stop calling. I
haven't fallen off, just taken another detour. I think I would have
arrived if it were not for all of these detours. This is my life. This
complex, simple, busy, too much time on my hands contradiction of all
that is tangible and intangible. God, when does it all make sense?

tHe rEsponse

This was inspired from a friend's poem that she posted as a note on Facebook

my sister, friend, beloved
your words intrigue me and cause me to see me
more clearly as if somewhere between the words you type
bits and pieces of my soul exist
I am drawn to this exhibit of words and lyrics
and am fueled to expel my own creativity
artistically I see your heart exposed in parable-like structure
hoping that the release will release and God will step in
interceding thru perceptions of translated mysteries hidden
not that you fail to reveal truth,
but because even poetry
cannot always express the depths of your heart
lyrically and prophetically I see you in the fullness of destiny
becoming who you were intended to be
possessing your promise and restitution
seeing the enemy fold
realizing you have not been held captive by his institution.....

blurb

Some people mistake kindness for weakness, but in actuality it's the opposite. It takes a strong person to show love and compassion to those who do not reciprocate. So all of you mad, angry people are just weak.

I don't call this blog "Scattered Thoughts" for nothing

I was just on Twitter and realized that I tweet a lot when I really should blog more. So instead of tweeting folks to death tonight (er, um this morning), I figured I'd actually make use of this blog domain that I purchased.

Two weeks ago I went to see the release of Hillsong's The I Heart Revolution: We're All In This Together film. The documentary was so moving and overwhelming and yet so simple and to the point in its message. One of the last parts of the film said across the screen, "Jesus did not come to start a religion. He came to share love" (it may not have been that wording exactly, but that is how I remember it).  That statement was so plain and simple yet said so much to me and I put it on my Facebook status that night when I got home. There was one comment on it from one of my fraternity sisters whom I actually pledged and was on line with and she said, "I see you're still the controversial one." Immediately when I read this, I was taken aback. It really irritated me that this particular individual responded in this way, yet was not a surprise because during my time in college I was always seen as the "outside the box" type of person because I am a Christian, I love God, but I am very much so not "religious" and not easily understood by anyone. I simply responded by saying that it was a line from Hillsong's movie and she said that it just sounded like something I would say.

So tonight I was looking through some of my church notes (which are all typed in Word and many are on one of my other blogs at www.lolamarya-churchnotes.blogspot.com) and read something that my Pastor said a few months ago; "Jesus didn’t come to start a religion. He came to establish His kingdom." When I saw that, I chuckled to myself. See I may seem "controversial" to some, but it is only because they come from a background and upbringing spiritually that is different than mine. I am seeing how blessed I am to have been brought up and raised in a church that is Kingdom-minded, Bible believing, no-holds-bar, truth teaching and just down to earth. So some may feel that I am so different, but in reality I feel that I am the standard.

See, I am the type of person who can relate with people who need God in their lives. I don't look down my nose at people who do not believe as I believe or whose lifestyle is different from mine. Jesus did not come to save the saved people. He came to set the captives free. So if I am created in the image of God, profess to be a follower of Christ and call myself a Christian (one whom is striving to be more like Jesus everyday), then I will try and live as He lived and see people the way that He saw them.

Jesus showed people love. He did not judge those who lived outside of God's will. He showed them that He knew their sin, but that God loved them and showed them compassion. That is how He won people over to the Father. I have learned over the years that many "church folks" are very judgmental and a lot of them try to pretend as if they do not understand how people can sin and look down their noses at people who are in the very situation that they would be in had it not been for the grace of God.

In the past I suppose I have had harsh criticisms in my views towards those I refer to as "church folks," but that is not what I wish to convey. I just really wish that the body of Christ, as a whole, would become less judgmental. We cannot win souls to Christ if we do not show, share and express God's love upon people. I mean, isn't that the whole purpose of this thing. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son..." John 3:16.  If God had not loved us while we were in our fallen state, there would be no Jesus on the cross and going to hell for us, in our place, so that we can have an eternity in heaven with God.  If God did that for us because of His love, how  much more are we to show His love to those who do not yet understand it?

CONTACT ME

If you need to contact me for any reason, there are several ways. Email lolamarya@gmail.com, Instant Messenger: AIM, Yahoo, Skype, Google Talk - the name is lolamarya on all of them, Twitter (can you guess what the name is? lol), that gadget on the right that says "Call Me" will actually link you directly with my personal phone via Google Voice, and lastly Blackberry Pin Messenger.  Shoot me an email with your pin and I'll add you.


Thank you, God bless, goodnight
:-)

I feel like....

Singing, because song is the one consistent in my life. Music is and always be there when I need it most. When I feel like dancing, when I need to cry. I can always count on song.... it's never done me wrong

I feel like writing and maybe reciting a few words. Words are expression that I use to convey the very depths of my soul. Words on paper are so more easily shared than vocally, at least for me. The things I could never speak; the love, the joy, the pain. It seems so much more easy for others to accept my soul written than spoken.... maybe that will change one day, is what I am hoping

I feel like crying. Crying because of the feelings I have yet to express. Even the emotion I have fear of sharing with written words. The things I fear may occur, maybe if I never touch the subjects we can pretend as if things don't exist. So I resist reality. I fear truth, yet knowing God's truth can change what man has declared..... truth is I am scared.

I feel like being held. Held by nurturing arms that no longer exist. Maybe because I rejected them so many years ago and for so many more until this moment. Yet am now in a place where I cannot convey my needs.... I am void, yet avoiding turning to the only one who can truly fill that place

I feel like changing.... I need newness, growth, transition. I cannot live in the constant that is my current life. I need more. I crave the essence of that which is deeper.....

Poems

These were in my gmail from a while back at my last job.


I shed tears out of fear of being lonely
Waiting on "the one,"
Distracted by the ones
Who are simply consuming my time, consuming my rhymes
I could get more caught up on the ones, who can be momentary,
But leave a lasting pain
Simply to have someone for the moment
Or I can wait for the one who is my destiny
The one whom God has chosen for me
Longing for that which I have never possessed
Wanting the essence of that which I have only tasted the illusion
Yet still, confusion boggles my mind
So many possibilities of what could be
If I unplug and become free
Although free is not liberty
Being plugged in keeps me safe
It is my refuge
My way of avoiding true harm
Yet I am distracted by his charm
Mesmerized by his eyes
Enchanted by his kiss
And softened by his touch
Constantly slipping into those stolen moments
The object is him because of familiarity
The object is another because of what could be
But these objects are simply
In my mentality
Only occasionally do my thoughts become reality
Wanting to… needing to… let you go…
How could I have ever let it get to this?
I guess temptation is something I could not resist…
Or my efforts could only last for so long
Continually allowing a situation with an inevitable outcome
Eventually I would succumb
I need you
But I am not supposed to have you
I want you
But you belong to another
I feel so much
But my emotions are struggling with logic and the voice within
There is so much to say,
But I cannot crack my lips to speak
I want so much to tell you how I feel
But anxiety takes over me with the thought of truly expressing myself
Maybe, if you share your heart, I could reciprocate…..
Oh yeah, we've been down that road
That was a dead end leading to nowhere
I just need to breathe easy…
I want someone for me…
I want to be whole…
To be free
But I cannot be any of these, until I become me
November 1, 2004
lolamarya

In essence, Life is...

Life is changing, growing, moving, evolving

Involving

Full of joy, pain, hope, second chances

Love, lust, romances

Transitional, positional

Poetic, eclectic, ambiguous, enigmic

Without beat and rhythmic

Dancing to the sound of a different drum

Life is a hum.

Soft spoken and barely heard

Complex definitions of a single word

Life is loud

Proud, admired accomplishments

The goodness of all heaven sent

Offbeat and colorful

Diverse and wonderful

Full of shed tears and fear

Succumbing and overcoming

Conflicting, contrasting

Short-lived, long-lasting

Life is the possibilities of what could be

Knowing that there is so much more than what we can see

Life is the hope of the future

Memories of the past

Present day situations

That which brings sorrows and laughs

Life is maturity, gained autonomy

Responsibility

A revelation of reality

Seeking truth yet shielded behind illusions

Drawing conclusions

Experimental, unpredictable

A cipher that never changes,

Yet somehow a puzzle to be solved

A riddle that baffles the natural mind

Life is kind at times

It is the onset of the innermost workings of ones soul

It is total chaos

Yet under control

Life is wisdom sought, lessons taught

All things new and old

Life is a process that we see constantly unfold

July 20, 2006

My life is coinciding with my rhymes
It's a sign of the times
I drop signs in my lines
These words have a parable-like structure
The components are simple – simply me
And all that I am made of
My spirit, soul, flesh, culture, experiences,
And what my eyes have seen
Like many cats killing
And being killed for the green
I wish someone had told these kids
That money isn't everything
But I guess growing up without it
And seeing others with it prosper,
Makes for a hard argument
We want to believe that success is not equal to one's happiness
This is the land of opportunity, but truthfully
If I cannot afford to advance,
Is that saying the truth for both you and me?
I truly understand and know that a rose can grow from the concrete
But you tell me
How many gardens do you see growing in the street?
They want us to try and say that we have equal opportunity
But their roses are growing in fertilized soil, in pretty little gardens
Receiving the right amount of light and H2O
The ghettos of America are out of control
Our concrete is a mentality passed down from slavery
Like we cannot be
All that we can be
Because we do not see-
A path trail blazed for us by past generations
The answer is not reparations
It is now the time for a people
Who have struggled in the past,
To decide to change their own lives
I do not need a handout from the government
My vote is not Democratic or Republican
It is not based on the amount of money they can give me for the least amount of work I can do
First of all, I vote based on my values and how well a candidate can ensure that the government can uphold those
As far as the money in my pocket
That is based on how hard I work
I may keep two or three jobs to have what I want
Being that I am working on,
But have not yet totally made it out of a poverty mentality
I'm still working check-to-check
But I am learning to consolidate
I want to leave a legacy of prosperity
Not only financially, but spiritually and mentally
Rather than unpaid bills and a spirit of poverty
******************October 11, 2004
lolamarya

Pluralistic words in perfect form

Destructive deeds described as norm

Society accepts what God rejects

But a people who first rejected God cannot be established by morals

What morality sees as sin, we begin to accept

Causing morality to change

Unclean tactics and the only thing washed is our brains

So man is stuck in a society where

The only thing visible to strive for is to maintain

All the while we have so much more to lose than to gain

And all souls are sensitive

So many more than not are motivated by pain

We`re losing our grasp of our knowledge of what is sane

Not seeing the line between reality and a mentality

Feeling like I just stepped off the Amistad, so I`m like, "give us, us free"

Loose our souls and let us be

A people being held captive by our own deception

But half the time captivity is just a matter of perception

And I hear the words spoken, but see the masses neglecting

Instead of striving for fame, my people need to make change

Change your mentality

We aren`t slaves,

We`ve been set free

Open your third eye and see

What has already been obtained by the Almighty

Instead of working for the things that you have already inherited

Walk in what you have been given and cherish !t

It`s really quite simple,

Just hit that road and never quit

Contrasting mindsets at war
Somewhere in my cerebral cortex
It's like I'm stuck in the Matrix
Or some unknown vortex
Decisions made, but not so easily
Thinking I'm doing these things to please me
But I am oh-so-easily
Being led astray
Feeling like I'm taking a step closer
But when I look up, I am further away
Lessons learned, but experience has drained me
Sophomore in the school of hard knocks
So life has trained me
Knowing I'm washed in Christ's blood
But my own sin has stained me
And I continue to hold this pain internally
While technicalities got my mind feeling like it's in captivity
But by HIS shed blood
I've already been made free.......2B cont'd.
lolamarya

Lack of stimulation for my brain causes me to write

I love it when I verbally share

And cats reply that –ish was tight

I fully understand that –

Since the age of nine, my style's been nice

But yo, it's real and I feel Nas

'Cause all I need is one mic

One voice and one chance to be heard

One opportunity to speak clearly

And my vocals not to be slurred

Rhyming like –

I remember when it occurred

I was speaking my word

It fell upon deafened ears and blinded eyes

Cats that never knew the truth

'Cause they was brought up on lies

These folks despise the wise

Not seeking knowledge for their lives

They're living well off the lies

It's like – open your third eye

I mean, open your mind

To be perfectly clear,

What you're seeking, you'll find

If you continue to strive – for – more

And not except what was handed to you

Really who wants to struggle all their life?

Do you?

Not me, so I see

A path that was chosen for me

So trust in God, or make my own decisions

And ignore the –

Fact that the unknown is known to the one I'm trusting in

But am I really trusting,

Or just grateful that he made a way for my sins?

To be forgiven

To avoid death

While daily living, slowly dying

Say I'm trying, but it's too tough

Hear a voice say,

"It's supposed to be,

Now have you had enough?

Living in your own zone – all alone

But professing that you love me

Take the lies from your eyes

Because there are things you need to see

I created you – true

But you soon turned your backs on life

Embracing death and facing the tests

Totally killed our relationship

But then, I made another way

So in the end it will be okay

Reconnected with your God

Romans 10 shows you the way

I sent my pure and precious, perfect son

To go to the depths of hell

Enduring all that is not of me

When I meant for life to be lovely

Remove the blinds from your eyes

And return to your place in me

Because no man can have vision

If with his eyes he cannot see"

So I reflect on what I heard this voice say

And I know those words made root

In my soul on that day

And my struggles aren't so hard anymore

Because I know that there is destiny and purpose

And I'm keeping my focus on my Lord.

July 27, 2003

My soul bleeds and waters the seeds of pain that were sown

My pillow is wet with tears unknown

Emotions not shown until alone

Weeping in silence to no one but God

And only to Him, because He is always there

Besides Him, truly believing that no one else cares

Sometimes even questioning that because

The fact remains

I am living this dismal existence

Daily facing resistance

Masking who I am around so-called friends do to lack of trust

Wearing the mask daily at work simply because that is a must

Waking up with swollen eyes, but silence is the evidence of lies

Destiny seeming unattainable so far from reality

And mind and time is full consumed with tasks at hand current demands

Making no room for future plans…..

May 13, 2006

lolamarya

THE AFTERMATH

I thought I was fallin'

Caught Up in the moment

The moment he was stroking

The moment I was hoping

Maybe something deeper count be

But

This is lust and…

What else?

This is the position that I am In as a result of wanting to experience the new

And why people get caught up

But I'm too cool to be that open

Or once again I was just hoping

Oh well,

I wasn't blinded

I'm still not

This is what it is

Nothing more, nothing less

At the conclusion my hope is that I'm not too scarred

That I haven't gone too far

Because as soft as my heart is

I can't show it

And my head is just hard

Several days of stressing

Was it worth it?

Several nights of passionate love-making

With the thought in the back of my mind that I could be with child

But a familiar friend came

And it seemed it had been awhile

But right on time 'cause my mind

Couldn't take much more wondering

That's how it is when you get caught up in sin

But see the problem is

None of my friends could tell me nothing

Or rather something

Because I already knew

But knowing the truth and knowing the truth

Is a matter of one's own perception

And knowing in my mind was not enough

I had to take the road more tough

I had to experience some stuff

Once innocent, now defiled

No longer who I thought I was

But on that journey of who I will be...

hopefully

Lolamarya

November 17, 2005

Tired of shed tears because of undisclosed fears

Tired of masking emotions that consume me

Tired of barely living; Destination spoken of and sometimes spoken about with a glimmer of hope, but more often only seemingly a place far off.

Tired of the void felt in my heart every time I think of her..... of her, her, and him

I finally saw that face again and received a simply greeting; returned it just the same, then came the pain

Then came the truth that I cannot hide from myself

The fact that I am affected, infected, subjected to something that I cannot control

I can't even explain the feeling, the grip this has on me

I'm still praying, crying, hoping that things may one day be

As they once were: shared visions, parallel destinies

Speaking of ministries and families, traveling the world

Divine kinship (friendship isn't enough to describe the bond)

We were family; not by relation, but chosen by one another

Somehow we were ripped apart

And I swear, when the kinship was broken, it left me with a damaged heart

But at this point, I'm just tired

I need to rest..... a nap..... a good night's sleep

Maybe then I can come back and deal with this better.....

Goodnight

Nostalgic

I am missing days of old
A time when naivety clouded my every thought
When I was unaware of the deception
Not that there were no struggles in those moments, but when youthful innocence pranced itself throughout my world
Those days are gone
When the tears shed didn’t permeate so deeply into my soul and the troubles were only skin deep Now they seep
Into the very cracks and crevices of my every emotion
They cause puddles of pain from un-dry eyes that know conflicting truths
The very place of refuge has become the center of my cognitive dissonance
We are learning yet not applying, but pretending or rather lying
Becoming more coy and more versatile chameleons
Adapting to the characteristics we want others to perceive
Living the lie for so long that even we have begun to believe
These opposing truths
We should all be labeled as legally blind and forced to spend time
Alone
For we know not who we are
The sense of self has become entangled amongst a world of cluttered realities
We wear layers of facade
Life has become a masquerade party
We have so-called friends whom we deceive
Revealing bits of ourselves mixed with illusion
Showing no hesitation when telling a lie
We sell this propaganda to others as it was done to us before
Perpetuating a cycle of pretext
We hope for a better next generation, but we have not prepared them for anything greater
We are hopeful and yet hopeless
And there lies one more contradiction
Our lives a mix of axioms and pseudo realities
We are walking, living, breathing, realistic fiction.
lolamarya October 12, 2008

My Soul Cries...

My soul cries and sheds tears of fears that no one sees
But the pain is tearing me up inside and where I reside
I have to mask all emotion
So the only tears that come from these green eyes find their place and lie
Upon my pillow only at night
A time when I am alone, although always lonely
Either I’m transforming in an invisible cocoon, or I’m dying slowly
Or are these one in the same?
Because to become the new, the old has to die
But either way, I think I’m fighting truth, or so I try
Somehow resisting change, but crying out for the same
Fighting the onset of the very thing I am seeking
Polluted mentalities from realities only seen by two eyes
Truth lies in one’s perception and I seem to have closed my third eye
I seemed to have covered my ears
No longer hearing the truth spoken by the only one who has the power to change anything
Only hearing life and pain,
Ignoring the voice of Him – who is above all things
But His reality is more real than our dismal existence
Just impossible for our feeble minds to comprehend
Contradicting myself in one statement
Or many times in a rhyme
But the oppositions are truths,
Transitioning by what is believed
Truth is perception
It’s just a matter of what one chooses to believe.

lolamarya
April 4, 2006

I want to make music that goes past mentals and past emotions and reaches the very core of one's existence. A reaction that cannot be expressed with words, yet lingers in the atmosphere like a poetic marinade.

I shed inner tears to release inner fears
Which simply means I keep things bottled up inside
And my soul is the meeting place where
Both fear and faith collide

Twisted desires inspire compromise
Internal pain becomes weapons of exchange
Becoming a person you hate to be
Trading bondage for what was once liberty

I cried in the shower
So I stood there for about an hour
Letting the water wash away my tears
But when I dried off
I still had to face my fears

Staying on my -I’m focused man- type grind/ They say they never met another like chick, I’m one of a kind/ see the stars in the sky, like them I shine/ and working hard for what I want/ I’m about to take over the world and make it mine.

The winner in me transformed the sinner in me. So when the world sees, they would never know where I've been without my testimony.

... A Few Years Old, But Can't Remember When

Spazing on pad with pen has become my only healthy outlet
My attempts to drink the pain away give room for negative decisions
My liquor vice gives me bad advise and I usually take heed
Walking directly into generational curses because I am my parents’ seed
Maybe I should pray more, but I feel guilty
And although there is no condemnation
I feel as though I have fallen too short
I need time to redeem myself
And that is contradictory to the fact that His blood has already redeemed me
I continually place myself in these situations
Of crucifying Christ again
Because I have been forgiven, yet return to the same sin
I am fully and irrationally double-minded
I see clearly, yet I am blinded

I dose 'em wit bits 'n pieces of my soul at a time
administered w/rhyme
I speak in parables like Jesus did
so follow these wonders & signs

Sweet savors of life's essence poetically flow to me

I changed the game, changed my name,

Switched the style up so much you notice me,

But familiar cats didn't even know it was me

Whatever Happened To....

women respecting themselves and falling in love with who God created them to be?
What happened to respecting yourself too much to allow a man (or woman nowadays) to mistreat you?
Why is the focus on needing a relationship rather than needing wholeness within oneself?
I see too many of my sisters, friends, women in general, settling to simply have someone to cling to
When these very women do not know who they are
They have not taken the time to get to know this awesome creature whom God handcrafted
They do not know that God has made them valuable and unique
That if they valued themselves as God values them, they would not settle for anything less than what HE has planned for them.
I am tired of seeing my sisters - women of any race, creed, color or religion - devaluing themselves
Wake up
Open your mind, heart, ears and know
Know that you were created for greatness
Know that no other person can place value on you because God already has
No other person can name you because God has
You were not formed from a mold
You were created individually and with a purpose
Only in the creator can the creation truly understand its worth
Sisters we have got to set a standard
If we demand respect, it will be given
Others only go as far as we allow them
Stand up and become who you were created to be

My pen & pad said they're sad 'cuz I been neglecting them lately. So I'm hopin these words still got love. I mean, I'm hoping they don't hate me

This feeling...

is something I cannot explain
or I simply do not want to dig deep enough to really understand
this feeling is something I cannot grasp
in my possession yet cannot wrap my hands
around this undefined emotion
words do it no justice
so my tears speak for me
yet they too are silent
because they are something the world will never see

The way my heart is hurting
These must be growing pains
I'm changing because I refuse to stay the same

Random Thoughts at this Very Moment

Still questioning my place in this world
I was born out of sin, this young black girl
Or at least black is how I've always been classified
But that counts out part of my history,
So it seems everyone has lied
I'm too light bright, but not quite white
My eyes change like chameleons skin
Photosensitive and the topic of many discussions
As a child I wanted black girl, brown eyes
So old men would stay out of my face
Not a hood girl, but not quite proper enough
Still searching for... because I'm so displaced
They said I had "good hair," but for years it was relaxed
I chopped it off to go all natural
And folks thought I was mentally off track
Little do folks know, I've got that bi-racial hair
Proof of my ancestors of slaves and their masters
Mixed with natives who had their land taken forcibly
From curls, to straight, to naturally nappy
My hair is three grades of proof
Of three different parts of me

Random Rant

I totally abhor when a person calls me and I know without a doubt that I've never given them my phone number. One of the rudest things you can do is give someone my number without asking me first. I simply cannot stand it. It is always weird to me when I answer my phone and it is someone I wouldn't expect to be calling me. The same thing with texting. I will most definitely send a "who is this?" response to any numbers that are not in my list.
I figured after the last number change that I would give my number only to those people I wanted to have it. That didn't quite work. I bet next time I won't be giving out my number to many people at all. They can all get my house number :-)

EDIT: I have a Google Voice number. YAY! Anyone can have it because I can screen all of my calls. I am loving it.

magneticpoetry.com

father god I present to you
my naked broken heart
lifeless & decaying
heal me

05-12-08

All that was left was remnants of what used to be there

She lost herself; caught up in life

She had become a person she could barely even recognize

I Prayed

for change and change came
It ran in on me like a storm
Quickly and fierce, but remnants of the past remained
And as I tried to build and grow on the new, the past reared its head at the darnedest times
I'm trying to be me and walk in my liberty, but the past has slapped me
Why can't I run away?
I want to cry, but I have already revealed too much of myself and they take me as a joke
Why?
Why must I struggle so much?
Oh yeah...
To whom much is given, much is required
I remember that
I must have a lot to expect because I'm working hard like it's a PHD on the other end of this
Lord help me through
Even if I hold back from others, I know that I have made progress if I can just be open and honest with you

I feel like....

Singing, because song is the one consistent in my life. Music is and always be there when I need it most. When I feel like dancing, when I need to cry. I can always count on song.... it's never done me wrong

I feel like writing and maybe reciting a few words. Words are expression that I use to convey the very depths of my soul. Words on paper are so much more easily shared than vocally, at least for me. The things I could never speak; the love, the joy, the pain. It seems easier for others to accept my soul written than spoken.... maybe that will change one day, is what I am hoping

I feel like crying. Crying because of the feelings I have yet to express. Even the emotion I have fear of sharing with written words. The things I fear may occur, maybe if I never touch the subjects we can pretend as if things don't exist. So I resist reality. I fear truth, yet knowing God's truth can change what man has declared..... truth is I am scared.

I feel like being held. Held by nurturing arms that no longer exist. Maybe because I rejected them so many years ago and for so many more until this moment. Yet am now in a place where I cannot convey my needs.... I am void, yet avoiding turning to the only one who can truly fill that place

I feel like changing.... I need newness, growth, transition. I cannot live in the constant that is my current life. I need more. I crave the essence of that which is deeper.....

01-15-09

Influence

This is one album that impacted my life on a level no other has. Ms. Lauryn Hill is one of the greatest musical artists of our time.

I think about all of the missed opportunities I’ve had in my life and it kind of pains me. I know they say not to cry over spilled milk, but when you feel incomplete and void, you cannot help but think about what those missing pieces are and where they may be.
I know that God can and will restore. I know this.

untitled

Forced to face demons of days past to get to tomorrow
Wanting to forget yesterday
But still trying to find a way
Desperately seeking and searching
For that which does not exist
And these temptations,
I'm trying
But cannot always resist

is on some brand new like you never knew/no clues given, just relentless/I was sent for this/on the pursuit of destiny.

such a sight to see/stepping into my destiny/passionately pursuing that which is pursuing me/walking in the fullness of my God given liberty

my sister, friend, beloved
your words intrigue me and cause me to see me
more clearly as if somewhere between the words you type
bits and pieces of my soul exist
I am drawn to this exhibit of words and lyrics
and am fueled to expel my own creativity
artistically I see your heart exposed in parable-like structure
hoping that the release will release and God will step in
interceding thru perceptions of translated mysteries hidden
not that you fail to reveal truth,
but because even poetry cannot always express the depths of your heart
lyrically and prophetically I see you in the fullness of destiny
becoming who you were intended to be
possessing your promise and restitution
seeing the enemy fold realizing you have not been held captive by his institution....

Out of my mind, out of my purpose
Caught up in illusion of mass confusion, though not forced to be there
Placing myself in harm's way just to say
"Yeah, I've been down that road"
So damn hard-headed and emotionally unstable
Sometimes wanting this to not be reality
As if this whole life was just a fable
Where am I?
Good question I need to ask myself
In this place of compromise and deteriorating wealth............

Sitting here, mind clear, not really
Soul filled with fear
Fear of what is to come
Fear of becoming numb
Or just hardened emotionally
Still disguising my true self - socially
Even wearing the mask so much I'm losing touch
Of reality
Losing focus on who is me
Who am I?
Do I know?
Have I forgotten, or am I just too afraid to show
Caught up in a situation that I'm tired of being in
But not knowing how to walk away from this sin

I feel the urge to spaz with the pen and pad
My mentals nearly to the brink of fullness
Overload
Too many things to think about - so I shout
Silently, internally
In a place where no one can hear
I can see clear
For moments when chosen to step out of haze
So I countdown -
How many more times, how many more days
Am I stuck in this lifestyle
Or is this just another phase.....

I need to write, recite, and get this out of my soul
Only turned to anger because of holding in too much pain
And not allowing myself to express that
Allowing emotions to subside and reside
Without dealing with them
Is the cause me or him... or him?
Damn - my life is –
Constantly changing but internal confusion
Losing the focus between reality and illusion
Constantly drawing conclusions
Prematurely
Ok the truth now
It's not him or him,
But me
Because I have caused my own eyes to be blinded
Not really wanting to see........

Formerly bastardized, but now I realize
That time was set for purpose
For we know that all things...
Work together for... the one who sings
Praises to the most high
Trials and tribulations become testimony
Adversity builds character
And develops.....
Who I am to become
So I continually seek to be me
Set free
Daily renewing my mentality..........

What I will to do is lost
At the cost of my soul
I’m losing focus again
It’s not about the sin
That’s simply aftermath to the story
I’m living halfway defeated
And only momentarily seeing glory
Where is life leading me?
Simply trying to take that next step

Thinking I’m almost there fully
But when I look, I’m shook
Reality is not that it was taken
The crook – is chillin
Putting no work in
Because I get myself caught up in sin
Is it a front?
I’m looking at my own heart
Judging myself and where I need to be
Daily seeking God
So that I can find me

Naïve mindsets from untrained souls
Mind, will, emotions, blinded eyes from unknown
Lessons, not easily learned
From elders when taught
But the wise know that to gain wisdom,
Truth is sought
Seeking completeness
Not filling voids with voids
Immature mindsets are easily annoyed

Last words of the poet
Stronger than the words expressed in a lifetime
Because she knows that the rhythm is about to flat line
And at the moment the heartbeat will cease
She too will be deceased
Wondering if the life she lived was sufficient
For wanting to leave a legacy
To encourage the new branches of her family tree
Hoping that, while she strove to obtain,
She has left room for the future to gain

I am, the new danger, a true stranger, contemplated enigma is me
I'm the rebel chic yelling, "give us, us free"
While finally realizing we create our own captivity
By embracing and perpetuating a slavery mentality
When will we realize that freedom is our destiny
And we're not living the way we're supposed to be

I'm not satisfied with my current situation, so my aim is to change it, my life, rearrange it/ become a completely new me, set free, finally my mentality comprehending the already given liberty.

Emotionally unstable, I'm living a fable/ true lies untold, as this life unfolds/ seemingly worthless, but reality is, I'm worth my weight in gold/

Commonly misunderstood, but it's all good/ I'm a cipher, lyrical sniper/ murdering words like enemy soldiers/ they expect so much of this girl, so I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders

idealistic viewpoints infiltrate masses while wisdom is tossed aside
foundational truths no longer relevant to a whole sect of humanity that exists in the enemy's lies

poetically vibin', realizin' words fuel my every breath, poetry is the blood flowing thru these vains
and I've already lost it all, so I have nothing but the world to gain

Poetic antics guide my lack of expression. But I'm not telling you how I feel, so you can keep on guessing

battling mindsets and perceptions while becoming greater. I had to simply dust my shoulders off. I realized they were just haters.

Lyrical infiltration of words barely spoken. She did this to live life and become more, or at least that's what she was hoping