If I die tomorrow, please don’t cry for me
Or only say good things about me
Please don’t lie for me
Truth is, none of you knew me, so you can’t tell my story
The way I fight to want to live daily, yet still have to give God glory
Like I’m fighting demons on my own mind
While still living in His grace
This world is so cold, but I want to see Him face to face
The other side has to be better
But I’m stuck here for now
I really fight daily because she’s counting on me, my child
December 29, 2024
Give me the space to breathe and figure out who I am
I’ve never had the opportunity to explore
I never had the air to express
So now I’m trying, but it’s difficult
And everyone has an opinion
But no one is inside of my head
No one knows my internal struggle or how many times I’ve thought of no longer living
Sometimes just waking up feels painful
Life is hard and I know we were never promised the breath of life without suffering
I’m trying to navigate my own
You may see me in a certain light,
But I still don’t know who I am
I’m tired of bleeding onto others and want to be healed
But I’m still finding the wounds and walls and doors that have been sealed
Surrender
Easily spoken but hard to action
I’m trying
43 years of who I am being ripped away and like a security blanket that has always been my solace,
Me protecting me needs to be stripped away
I’m still fighting with the promise because it feels like stepping off of a plank, into dead air
I guess that means I’m doubting God instead of walking in faith to know that He will always be there
lolamarya
November 2, 2024
Feeling like the old me
Wanting to retreat to my personal place of safety
I trusted too much, got comfortable too fast
Now I’m leery of those I gave access to
Body feeling tensed because of a whirlwind of emotions, but I can’t place them
What is this thing that I’m feeling?
What do I need to displace from this place of familiar uncomfortability
I don’t want to be here again
But here is just the doorway to a slippery slope of overwhelming chaos and I refuse to travel down that path again
Lord I recognize that I am not in a good space
I need you
Rescue me once again
Revive the light in me…. Rekindle the fire in me Lord….. once again
I’m not down a path of sin, but something has disconnected
I gave space to things I shouldn’t have and an obstacle has erected
I recognize that this is not where I want to be
I feel like the children of Israel in the wilderness.
Lord let me be a Caleb in this place
Take me through; let my heart’s posture remain surrendered to you
I recognize that this is not where I want to be
So rather than to succumb to these feelings Lord help me to fight so I can be where you want me to be.
This journey of healing feels more painful than the injury that caused the trauma
Because I learned to live with the consequences of what was inflicted upon me and allowed that to be my normal
Now we digging deep
Uncovering the layers of mechanisms created to mask the pain
So many layers of “I’m okay” and “I got this” that I don’t even know I miss who I was
I became a new me but the old me was better. Now I’m becoming another new me because the old me can’t usher in the me who God intended me to be
Him calling me to be free
To walk in the liberty that He already obtained for me
He did the hard work, but now I’m unraveling the cords of confusion that became my life
I’m unpacking the reasons I swore I’d never become a wife
August 12, 2024
Feeling pain I’ve become accustomed to numbing myself from
Whether distractions of visual interactions, spirits or cannabis
I avoided feeling my feelings and settled for bliss
Because the world would call it empath, but I know it’s part of my gifts
I feel deeply and hard and pick up on the atmosphere
It isn’t always pleasant, so it became a thing I fear
In my surrender to Yahweh, I laid down those distractions
So now I take these emotions back to Him
To help me work through them,
Rather than avoid them
And before liquor ever touched these lips or weed smoke hit my lungs
I always had this pad and pen
So now I take it back
To where all of this began…….
JAN 14, 2024
This world is not a safe space
Every time I poke my head out, I am reminded of that
Of my need to protect myself
This world is not a safe space
Every time I trust, I see the fallacy in that
This world is not a safe space for me
But I want to be
Less guarded, emotional, vulnerable
Lord I don’t want to pull back from you
It is imperative that I don’t
Help me to navigate this unsafe space
While learning to put my trust in you
Feb, 5, 2024