The me I am misses the me  I was, but is anticipating the me I am destined to be.

Exclusively reclusive or exclusive you might say
But I had to be this person for the games that you might play
Hate me if you want, but things won't change
And if you want someone to blame,
Remember, you made me this way

New Life

I definitely have neglected this blog for quite a while, but I finally have a good excuse.

Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 9:36pm my little girl was born.  After two days of being unsuccessfully induced and at 37 weeks gestational age, because of preeclampsia and high blood pressure, a c-section was done and Zoe Lauren was delivered.  It was the most hellish and grueling experience and every time I look at her I know that it was worth every moment.

She was born at 4lbs 10oz and despite being low weight and small for her gestational age, she is and was perfectly healthy.

If you have to become your enemy to defeat him, what have you really won?

Small Dose of Poetry (It's been a long time)

My pen and pad said they're sad because I've been neglecting them lately
So I'm hoping they've still got love, I mean, I'm hoping they don't hate me
And if I'm lucky enough, I can use these words to recreate me
And instead of heading down this road to nowhere,
I can retrace my steps down that path and become who I was once destined to be

Apology To My Unborn

.....Three more months.....

And I'll be able to hold my baby girl. 

Seemingly hopeless so I pray God breathes new life into me
I just want things to go back to the way they used to be
The return to innocence.... Lost

.....

Tear stained pillows could write my life's songs

I only wish it were just as easy to right my life's wrongs.

I TOTALLY FAIL!

For not keeping my blogging up to date.  But hey, it is what it is.

Life has been what it is and I am slowly but surely trying to make it what I want it with the hand that I have.  One of the most important things I have come to realize it that not everyone is meant to stay in your life.  If other people cause you unnecessary drama, cut them off.  It doesn't matter if it is family, friend, relative, whomever.  You have to start realizing that you are more important than anyone else.... unless you have children.  Then you put them first while still making sure that you keep yourself healthy and happy because that is the only way that you can be a good parent.
Okay, end rant.

I am....

HAPPY!  That is all. :-)

Thoughts

I had a long conversation with my oldest sister last night.  We had never really gotten deep into the subject of life growing up in the same household.  I realized one thing; I had it easier than all of my other siblings growing up just because of how things fell into place.  My oldest brother and sister are about 10 and 11 years older than me and they dealt with things I never did.  My younger sister is 5 1/2 years younger than me and she had to deal with somethings that I never did as well.  I guess I was the lucky one.
I had to deal with things too, but growing up connected to church kind of took me another route.  I also took on responsibility for a lot of things at a young age, so my mentality was different.
Fact of the matter is, no one's life has been perfect and we've all been through some things.  We all react to then differently and they have had differing affects on our adult lives.  All in all, life has been one hell of an interesting ride and it has only just begun.

Mr. Intentional

See the road to hell, is paved with good intentions

Can't you tell, the way they have to mention

How they helped you out, you're such a hopeless victim

Please don't do me any favors, Mr. Intentional

All their talk, is seasoned to perfection

The road they walk, commanding your affection

They need to be needed, deceived by motivation

An opportunity, to further situation

Why they so important, is without explanation

Please don't patrionize me, Mr. Intentional

We give rise to ego, by being insecure

The advice that we go, desperatly searching for

The subconscious effort, to support our paramour

To engage in denial, to admit we're immature

Validating lies, Mr. Intentional

Open up yours eyes, Mr. Intentional

Stuck in a system, that seeks to suck your blood

Held emotionally hostage, by what everybody does

Counting all the money, that you give them just because

Exploiting ignorance, in the name of love

Stop before you drop because that's just the way it was

Please don't justify me, Mr. Intentional

Oh undementional, Mr. Intentional

Ohhh, oh don't you do me any favors

Ohhh, ohhhh, ohh ohhhh

Wake up you've been sleeping

Take up your bed and walk

Stop blaming other people

Oh it's nobody else's fault

Except the truth about you

You know that life goes on without you

And your expensive misinventions

Disguising your intentions

Don't worship my hurt feelings, Mr. Intentional

Life As It Is....

So this situation that I am dealing with has had me upset at times. Although I take full responsibility for my actions, I also have to deal with another person due to the circumstances. The thing that I hate is that I have the full burden on my shoulders at this moment and will continue to no matter what. This other person can choose his involvement and clearly has not stepped up to the plate to offer any support for me at this time. So yes I am upset and have a right to be. And whether it is right or wrong, it is how I feel and my standpoint is valid simply because it is mine.
If I choose to open up and share how I feel with a friend, I would expect that friend to at least be considerate of my feelings and not just go straight to chewing my head off. Especially if this is a person who I have to tip-toe around their emotions all of the damn time.
Apparently some people I know must think I have a heart of stone and they can say whatever, whenever they want and it isn't supposed to affect me.
That bullshit had me up half the night with my stomach in pain.
See I don't expect people I call "friend" to always agree with me, but a person's approach can have a hell of a lot more impact on a person than the actual words that he or she says.

I'd rather take this journey by myself than deal with another person's issues. But I made my bed, so I must lay in it.....
And even if it's glittered with deception, I have to take it as it it.

Thoughts on March 6th

How can a person be a Christian and be pro-choice? And further than that be extremely nonchalant about having an abortion? What I heard today was definitely a hardened-heart situation. I may have my flaws and still fall into sin, but I do not want a hard heart. I don't want to ever look at something that is so evidently in opposition of God's will and be okay with it. The world may judge me for the stains that sin has left in my life, but as long as God knows that my heart is pure towards God, I am alright.
Some decisions that we make to go outside of God's will have consequences that cannot be hidden. I was so worried about other people's opinions of my evidence until this very moment. Something has clicked. I know where I am mentally, spiritually and God knows my heart and intentions.
I am going to stop living in the shame of what I have done and start living in the righteousness that God has called me to walk in.

Still Loving This Song.... Still Ready....

Can I Live

Life

If I had it to do all over again, things would be different.
But I have made decisions and must live with the consequences.
Although things are not ideal, I have to trust and believe that God is here with me and will continue to keep me and guide me, as long as I put my trust in Him.
I will not continue to do wrong and say, "Lord, bless my mess."
I am making a conscious decision to follow Him and remain in His will, despite of the circumstances that I caused while I was outside of His will.

$315 Ain't worth yo soul.....

formspring.me

what would life be like without music?

Life without music would be unlivable.

Ask me anything

Music.....

Acoustic guitar does something to my soul.
The Saxophone can sing notes no voice can hit.
The bass can pull me into a vibe like no other.
Keys... well keys are like a chameleon and can become just the sound that you need.
Drums are the heart of the band.
The electric guitar can just take me to another place.
And the right vocalist... well the right vocalist can simply bring heaven right down to my ears.

I found this....

Somewhere and do not remember when I wrote it:

I cried myself to sleep again, but not because of the obvious.
I finally allowed myself to feel and the pain hit me like a bullet aimed straight for and then lodged in my heart.
I have experienced heartbreak.
But I pride myself on never having fallen for any man and keeping my emotions guarded, so why does it come from friends?
I suppose I cannot be the keeper of my own emotions, yet I stll try.