Monday, February 9, 2009

Exhale

I am so all over the place mentally, spiritually, emotionally.... The
fact that my name is attached to my blogs makes me hold back what I
really need to vent sometimes.... Sometimes.
This
would be one of them. I'm confused, but because [I hear India.Arie's
voice singing] my head and my heart are at war. But I know better, so
it's my spirit and my flesh that are truly battling it out. They are at
war over my soul and I am in a place where I have conflicting desires.
Because one route would be so much easier.... at least that what my
flesh feels. Because some things are fun and less painful, but this
journey to my destiny has actually wounded me. But maybe I'm wounded
because I am alive. Because I have had to fight just to stay alive and
not be pulled under by the current and tidal waves of all the hell and
drama that has been my life. These unseen things to the rest of the
world; the battle mentally and spiritually I can never fully express.
I'm supposed to be the responsible one; the one people turn to for
advice and wisdom. So why can I give it, but barely receive. I am weak.
I need....... I need...... so much. And yet I do not get even half of
what I give. I am exhausted and yet destiny will not stop calling. I
haven't fallen off, just taken another detour. I think I would have
arrived if it were not for all of these detours. This is my life. This
complex, simple, busy, too much time on my hands contradiction of all
that is tangible and intangible. God, when does it all make sense?

tHe rEsponse

This was inspired from a friend's poem that she posted as a note on Facebook

my sister, friend, beloved
your words intrigue me and cause me to see me
more clearly as if somewhere between the words you type
bits and pieces of my soul exist
I am drawn to this exhibit of words and lyrics
and am fueled to expel my own creativity
artistically I see your heart exposed in parable-like structure
hoping that the release will release and God will step in
interceding thru perceptions of translated mysteries hidden
not that you fail to reveal truth,
but because even poetry
cannot always express the depths of your heart
lyrically and prophetically I see you in the fullness of destiny
becoming who you were intended to be
possessing your promise and restitution
seeing the enemy fold
realizing you have not been held captive by his institution.....

blurb

Some people mistake kindness for weakness, but in actuality it's the opposite. It takes a strong person to show love and compassion to those who do not reciprocate. So all of you mad, angry people are just weak.

I don't call this blog "Scattered Thoughts" for nothing

I was just on Twitter and realized that I tweet a lot when I really should blog more. So instead of tweeting folks to death tonight (er, um this morning), I figured I'd actually make use of this blog domain that I purchased.

Two weeks ago I went to see the release of Hillsong's The I Heart Revolution: We're All In This Together film. The documentary was so moving and overwhelming and yet so simple and to the point in its message. One of the last parts of the film said across the screen, "Jesus did not come to start a religion. He came to share love" (it may not have been that wording exactly, but that is how I remember it).  That statement was so plain and simple yet said so much to me and I put it on my Facebook status that night when I got home. There was one comment on it from one of my fraternity sisters whom I actually pledged and was on line with and she said, "I see you're still the controversial one." Immediately when I read this, I was taken aback. It really irritated me that this particular individual responded in this way, yet was not a surprise because during my time in college I was always seen as the "outside the box" type of person because I am a Christian, I love God, but I am very much so not "religious" and not easily understood by anyone. I simply responded by saying that it was a line from Hillsong's movie and she said that it just sounded like something I would say.

So tonight I was looking through some of my church notes (which are all typed in Word and many are on one of my other blogs at www.lolamarya-churchnotes.blogspot.com) and read something that my Pastor said a few months ago; "Jesus didn’t come to start a religion. He came to establish His kingdom." When I saw that, I chuckled to myself. See I may seem "controversial" to some, but it is only because they come from a background and upbringing spiritually that is different than mine. I am seeing how blessed I am to have been brought up and raised in a church that is Kingdom-minded, Bible believing, no-holds-bar, truth teaching and just down to earth. So some may feel that I am so different, but in reality I feel that I am the standard.

See, I am the type of person who can relate with people who need God in their lives. I don't look down my nose at people who do not believe as I believe or whose lifestyle is different from mine. Jesus did not come to save the saved people. He came to set the captives free. So if I am created in the image of God, profess to be a follower of Christ and call myself a Christian (one whom is striving to be more like Jesus everyday), then I will try and live as He lived and see people the way that He saw them.

Jesus showed people love. He did not judge those who lived outside of God's will. He showed them that He knew their sin, but that God loved them and showed them compassion. That is how He won people over to the Father. I have learned over the years that many "church folks" are very judgmental and a lot of them try to pretend as if they do not understand how people can sin and look down their noses at people who are in the very situation that they would be in had it not been for the grace of God.

In the past I suppose I have had harsh criticisms in my views towards those I refer to as "church folks," but that is not what I wish to convey. I just really wish that the body of Christ, as a whole, would become less judgmental. We cannot win souls to Christ if we do not show, share and express God's love upon people. I mean, isn't that the whole purpose of this thing. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son..." John 3:16.  If God had not loved us while we were in our fallen state, there would be no Jesus on the cross and going to hell for us, in our place, so that we can have an eternity in heaven with God.  If God did that for us because of His love, how  much more are we to show His love to those who do not yet understand it?

CONTACT ME

If you need to contact me for any reason, there are several ways. Email lolamarya@gmail.com, Instant Messenger: AIM, Yahoo, Skype, Google Talk - the name is lolamarya on all of them, Twitter (can you guess what the name is? lol), that gadget on the right that says "Call Me" will actually link you directly with my personal phone via Google Voice, and lastly Blackberry Pin Messenger.  Shoot me an email with your pin and I'll add you.


Thank you, God bless, goodnight
:-)

I feel like....

Singing, because song is the one consistent in my life. Music is and always be there when I need it most. When I feel like dancing, when I need to cry. I can always count on song.... it's never done me wrong

I feel like writing and maybe reciting a few words. Words are expression that I use to convey the very depths of my soul. Words on paper are so more easily shared than vocally, at least for me. The things I could never speak; the love, the joy, the pain. It seems so much more easy for others to accept my soul written than spoken.... maybe that will change one day, is what I am hoping

I feel like crying. Crying because of the feelings I have yet to express. Even the emotion I have fear of sharing with written words. The things I fear may occur, maybe if I never touch the subjects we can pretend as if things don't exist. So I resist reality. I fear truth, yet knowing God's truth can change what man has declared..... truth is I am scared.

I feel like being held. Held by nurturing arms that no longer exist. Maybe because I rejected them so many years ago and for so many more until this moment. Yet am now in a place where I cannot convey my needs.... I am void, yet avoiding turning to the only one who can truly fill that place

I feel like changing.... I need newness, growth, transition. I cannot live in the constant that is my current life. I need more. I crave the essence of that which is deeper.....

Poems

These were in my gmail from a while back at my last job.


I shed tears out of fear of being lonely
Waiting on "the one,"
Distracted by the ones
Who are simply consuming my time, consuming my rhymes
I could get more caught up on the ones, who can be momentary,
But leave a lasting pain
Simply to have someone for the moment
Or I can wait for the one who is my destiny
The one whom God has chosen for me
Longing for that which I have never possessed
Wanting the essence of that which I have only tasted the illusion
Yet still, confusion boggles my mind
So many possibilities of what could be
If I unplug and become free
Although free is not liberty
Being plugged in keeps me safe
It is my refuge
My way of avoiding true harm
Yet I am distracted by his charm
Mesmerized by his eyes
Enchanted by his kiss
And softened by his touch
Constantly slipping into those stolen moments
The object is him because of familiarity
The object is another because of what could be
But these objects are simply
In my mentality
Only occasionally do my thoughts become reality
Wanting to… needing to… let you go…
How could I have ever let it get to this?
I guess temptation is something I could not resist…
Or my efforts could only last for so long
Continually allowing a situation with an inevitable outcome
Eventually I would succumb
I need you
But I am not supposed to have you
I want you
But you belong to another
I feel so much
But my emotions are struggling with logic and the voice within
There is so much to say,
But I cannot crack my lips to speak
I want so much to tell you how I feel
But anxiety takes over me with the thought of truly expressing myself
Maybe, if you share your heart, I could reciprocate…..
Oh yeah, we've been down that road
That was a dead end leading to nowhere
I just need to breathe easy…
I want someone for me…
I want to be whole…
To be free
But I cannot be any of these, until I become me
November 1, 2004
lolamarya

In essence, Life is...

Life is changing, growing, moving, evolving

Involving

Full of joy, pain, hope, second chances

Love, lust, romances

Transitional, positional

Poetic, eclectic, ambiguous, enigmic

Without beat and rhythmic

Dancing to the sound of a different drum

Life is a hum.

Soft spoken and barely heard

Complex definitions of a single word

Life is loud

Proud, admired accomplishments

The goodness of all heaven sent

Offbeat and colorful

Diverse and wonderful

Full of shed tears and fear

Succumbing and overcoming

Conflicting, contrasting

Short-lived, long-lasting

Life is the possibilities of what could be

Knowing that there is so much more than what we can see

Life is the hope of the future

Memories of the past

Present day situations

That which brings sorrows and laughs

Life is maturity, gained autonomy

Responsibility

A revelation of reality

Seeking truth yet shielded behind illusions

Drawing conclusions

Experimental, unpredictable

A cipher that never changes,

Yet somehow a puzzle to be solved

A riddle that baffles the natural mind

Life is kind at times

It is the onset of the innermost workings of ones soul

It is total chaos

Yet under control

Life is wisdom sought, lessons taught

All things new and old

Life is a process that we see constantly unfold

July 20, 2006

My life is coinciding with my rhymes
It's a sign of the times
I drop signs in my lines
These words have a parable-like structure
The components are simple – simply me
And all that I am made of
My spirit, soul, flesh, culture, experiences,
And what my eyes have seen
Like many cats killing
And being killed for the green
I wish someone had told these kids
That money isn't everything
But I guess growing up without it
And seeing others with it prosper,
Makes for a hard argument
We want to believe that success is not equal to one's happiness
This is the land of opportunity, but truthfully
If I cannot afford to advance,
Is that saying the truth for both you and me?
I truly understand and know that a rose can grow from the concrete
But you tell me
How many gardens do you see growing in the street?
They want us to try and say that we have equal opportunity
But their roses are growing in fertilized soil, in pretty little gardens
Receiving the right amount of light and H2O
The ghettos of America are out of control
Our concrete is a mentality passed down from slavery
Like we cannot be
All that we can be
Because we do not see-
A path trail blazed for us by past generations
The answer is not reparations
It is now the time for a people
Who have struggled in the past,
To decide to change their own lives
I do not need a handout from the government
My vote is not Democratic or Republican
It is not based on the amount of money they can give me for the least amount of work I can do
First of all, I vote based on my values and how well a candidate can ensure that the government can uphold those
As far as the money in my pocket
That is based on how hard I work
I may keep two or three jobs to have what I want
Being that I am working on,
But have not yet totally made it out of a poverty mentality
I'm still working check-to-check
But I am learning to consolidate
I want to leave a legacy of prosperity
Not only financially, but spiritually and mentally
Rather than unpaid bills and a spirit of poverty
******************October 11, 2004
lolamarya

Pluralistic words in perfect form

Destructive deeds described as norm

Society accepts what God rejects

But a people who first rejected God cannot be established by morals

What morality sees as sin, we begin to accept

Causing morality to change

Unclean tactics and the only thing washed is our brains

So man is stuck in a society where

The only thing visible to strive for is to maintain

All the while we have so much more to lose than to gain

And all souls are sensitive

So many more than not are motivated by pain

We`re losing our grasp of our knowledge of what is sane

Not seeing the line between reality and a mentality

Feeling like I just stepped off the Amistad, so I`m like, "give us, us free"

Loose our souls and let us be

A people being held captive by our own deception

But half the time captivity is just a matter of perception

And I hear the words spoken, but see the masses neglecting

Instead of striving for fame, my people need to make change

Change your mentality

We aren`t slaves,

We`ve been set free

Open your third eye and see

What has already been obtained by the Almighty

Instead of working for the things that you have already inherited

Walk in what you have been given and cherish !t

It`s really quite simple,

Just hit that road and never quit

Contrasting mindsets at war
Somewhere in my cerebral cortex
It's like I'm stuck in the Matrix
Or some unknown vortex
Decisions made, but not so easily
Thinking I'm doing these things to please me
But I am oh-so-easily
Being led astray
Feeling like I'm taking a step closer
But when I look up, I am further away
Lessons learned, but experience has drained me
Sophomore in the school of hard knocks
So life has trained me
Knowing I'm washed in Christ's blood
But my own sin has stained me
And I continue to hold this pain internally
While technicalities got my mind feeling like it's in captivity
But by HIS shed blood
I've already been made free.......2B cont'd.
lolamarya

Lack of stimulation for my brain causes me to write

I love it when I verbally share

And cats reply that –ish was tight

I fully understand that –

Since the age of nine, my style's been nice

But yo, it's real and I feel Nas

'Cause all I need is one mic

One voice and one chance to be heard

One opportunity to speak clearly

And my vocals not to be slurred

Rhyming like –

I remember when it occurred

I was speaking my word

It fell upon deafened ears and blinded eyes

Cats that never knew the truth

'Cause they was brought up on lies

These folks despise the wise

Not seeking knowledge for their lives

They're living well off the lies

It's like – open your third eye

I mean, open your mind

To be perfectly clear,

What you're seeking, you'll find

If you continue to strive – for – more

And not except what was handed to you

Really who wants to struggle all their life?

Do you?

Not me, so I see

A path that was chosen for me

So trust in God, or make my own decisions

And ignore the –

Fact that the unknown is known to the one I'm trusting in

But am I really trusting,

Or just grateful that he made a way for my sins?

To be forgiven

To avoid death

While daily living, slowly dying

Say I'm trying, but it's too tough

Hear a voice say,

"It's supposed to be,

Now have you had enough?

Living in your own zone – all alone

But professing that you love me

Take the lies from your eyes

Because there are things you need to see

I created you – true

But you soon turned your backs on life

Embracing death and facing the tests

Totally killed our relationship

But then, I made another way

So in the end it will be okay

Reconnected with your God

Romans 10 shows you the way

I sent my pure and precious, perfect son

To go to the depths of hell

Enduring all that is not of me

When I meant for life to be lovely

Remove the blinds from your eyes

And return to your place in me

Because no man can have vision

If with his eyes he cannot see"

So I reflect on what I heard this voice say

And I know those words made root

In my soul on that day

And my struggles aren't so hard anymore

Because I know that there is destiny and purpose

And I'm keeping my focus on my Lord.

July 27, 2003

My soul bleeds and waters the seeds of pain that were sown

My pillow is wet with tears unknown

Emotions not shown until alone

Weeping in silence to no one but God

And only to Him, because He is always there

Besides Him, truly believing that no one else cares

Sometimes even questioning that because

The fact remains

I am living this dismal existence

Daily facing resistance

Masking who I am around so-called friends do to lack of trust

Wearing the mask daily at work simply because that is a must

Waking up with swollen eyes, but silence is the evidence of lies

Destiny seeming unattainable so far from reality

And mind and time is full consumed with tasks at hand current demands

Making no room for future plans…..

May 13, 2006

lolamarya

THE AFTERMATH

I thought I was fallin'

Caught Up in the moment

The moment he was stroking

The moment I was hoping

Maybe something deeper count be

But

This is lust and…

What else?

This is the position that I am In as a result of wanting to experience the new

And why people get caught up

But I'm too cool to be that open

Or once again I was just hoping

Oh well,

I wasn't blinded

I'm still not

This is what it is

Nothing more, nothing less

At the conclusion my hope is that I'm not too scarred

That I haven't gone too far

Because as soft as my heart is

I can't show it

And my head is just hard

Several days of stressing

Was it worth it?

Several nights of passionate love-making

With the thought in the back of my mind that I could be with child

But a familiar friend came

And it seemed it had been awhile

But right on time 'cause my mind

Couldn't take much more wondering

That's how it is when you get caught up in sin

But see the problem is

None of my friends could tell me nothing

Or rather something

Because I already knew

But knowing the truth and knowing the truth

Is a matter of one's own perception

And knowing in my mind was not enough

I had to take the road more tough

I had to experience some stuff

Once innocent, now defiled

No longer who I thought I was

But on that journey of who I will be...

hopefully

Lolamarya

November 17, 2005

Tired of shed tears because of undisclosed fears

Tired of masking emotions that consume me

Tired of barely living; Destination spoken of and sometimes spoken about with a glimmer of hope, but more often only seemingly a place far off.

Tired of the void felt in my heart every time I think of her..... of her, her, and him

I finally saw that face again and received a simply greeting; returned it just the same, then came the pain

Then came the truth that I cannot hide from myself

The fact that I am affected, infected, subjected to something that I cannot control

I can't even explain the feeling, the grip this has on me

I'm still praying, crying, hoping that things may one day be

As they once were: shared visions, parallel destinies

Speaking of ministries and families, traveling the world

Divine kinship (friendship isn't enough to describe the bond)

We were family; not by relation, but chosen by one another

Somehow we were ripped apart

And I swear, when the kinship was broken, it left me with a damaged heart

But at this point, I'm just tired

I need to rest..... a nap..... a good night's sleep

Maybe then I can come back and deal with this better.....

Goodnight

Nostalgic

I am missing days of old
A time when naivety clouded my every thought
When I was unaware of the deception
Not that there were no struggles in those moments, but when youthful innocence pranced itself throughout my world
Those days are gone
When the tears shed didn’t permeate so deeply into my soul and the troubles were only skin deep Now they seep
Into the very cracks and crevices of my every emotion
They cause puddles of pain from un-dry eyes that know conflicting truths
The very place of refuge has become the center of my cognitive dissonance
We are learning yet not applying, but pretending or rather lying
Becoming more coy and more versatile chameleons
Adapting to the characteristics we want others to perceive
Living the lie for so long that even we have begun to believe
These opposing truths
We should all be labeled as legally blind and forced to spend time
Alone
For we know not who we are
The sense of self has become entangled amongst a world of cluttered realities
We wear layers of facade
Life has become a masquerade party
We have so-called friends whom we deceive
Revealing bits of ourselves mixed with illusion
Showing no hesitation when telling a lie
We sell this propaganda to others as it was done to us before
Perpetuating a cycle of pretext
We hope for a better next generation, but we have not prepared them for anything greater
We are hopeful and yet hopeless
And there lies one more contradiction
Our lives a mix of axioms and pseudo realities
We are walking, living, breathing, realistic fiction.
lolamarya October 12, 2008

My Soul Cries...

My soul cries and sheds tears of fears that no one sees
But the pain is tearing me up inside and where I reside
I have to mask all emotion
So the only tears that come from these green eyes find their place and lie
Upon my pillow only at night
A time when I am alone, although always lonely
Either I’m transforming in an invisible cocoon, or I’m dying slowly
Or are these one in the same?
Because to become the new, the old has to die
But either way, I think I’m fighting truth, or so I try
Somehow resisting change, but crying out for the same
Fighting the onset of the very thing I am seeking
Polluted mentalities from realities only seen by two eyes
Truth lies in one’s perception and I seem to have closed my third eye
I seemed to have covered my ears
No longer hearing the truth spoken by the only one who has the power to change anything
Only hearing life and pain,
Ignoring the voice of Him – who is above all things
But His reality is more real than our dismal existence
Just impossible for our feeble minds to comprehend
Contradicting myself in one statement
Or many times in a rhyme
But the oppositions are truths,
Transitioning by what is believed
Truth is perception
It’s just a matter of what one chooses to believe.

lolamarya
April 4, 2006